The Lierd Family: August 2011

Yes, it's me. I am still here and hanging on the best I can. I have thought about posting many times but I have so many things on my mind lately that I am afraid if I started writing I would never stop. So much to say that it is easier to say nothing at all. All I know is that I am TIRED all the time and not just physically tired. Mentally and emotionally too.
Tired of having stupid cancer
Tired of not being able to sleep
Tired of taking so many pills
Tired of being sick
Tired of trying to be brave
Tired of laying in bed for a week at a time
Tired of not being able to function like I used to
Tired of not being able to do things with my kids
Tired of looking at myself in the mirror and wondering who it is because it doesnt look like me
Tired of going to doctor appointments
Tired of my tongue and mouth being numb
Tired of not being able to taste my food
Tired of feeling different
Tired of wondering if people know I am wearing a wig
Tired of having to wear a wig or hat
Tired of wondering "What if..."
and worst of all....
Tired of worrying if I will be here to watch my children grow up

Now if that ain't a bonified complaint list I don't know what is.
Don't get me wrong.... I am not depressed (everyday)... just a little sad and feeling sorry for myself sometimes. I shouldn't though because there are sooooo many people that are going through the same thing and possibly even worse. This was a disease that I was afraid of and still am. I used to be scared to even say CANCER. I thought I would jinx myself or something. Now I can say that I know more about it then I ever wanted to.
This was never in my "plan" obviously, but my husband always quotes a line from the Van Zant song that says..."If you want to hear God laugh...tell him your plan". I guess this is what was in the cards for me and I will have to deal with it the best I can. Thank God I have such a wonderful husband and family to help me!! I don't know how I could do it without them. My husband and boys all shaved their heads for me as did my brother, 2 of my brother-in-laws, 3 nephews and 4 of our friends. 15 total!!! Well, 16 baldies if you count me!
My pity party is over now... I feel much better!