Yes, it's me. I am still here and hanging on the best I can. I have thought about posting many times but I have so many things on my mind lately that I am afraid if I started writing I would never stop. So much to say that it is easier to say nothing at all. All I know is that I am TIRED all the time and not just physically tired. Mentally and emotionally too.
Tired of having stupid cancer
Tired of not being able to sleep
Tired of taking so many pills
Tired of being sick
Tired of trying to be brave
Tired of laying in bed for a week at a time
Tired of not being able to function like I used to
Tired of not being able to do things with my kids
Tired of looking at myself in the mirror and wondering who it is because it doesnt look like me
Tired of going to doctor appointments
Tired of my tongue and mouth being numb
Tired of not being able to taste my food
Tired of feeling different
Tired of wondering if people know I am wearing a wig
Tired of having to wear a wig or hat
Tired of wondering "What if..."
and worst of all....
Tired of worrying if I will be here to watch my children grow up
Now if that ain't a bonified complaint list I don't know what is.
Don't get me wrong.... I am not depressed (everyday)... just a little sad and feeling sorry for myself sometimes. I shouldn't though because there are sooooo many people that are going through the same thing and possibly even worse. This was a disease that I was afraid of and still am. I used to be scared to even say CANCER. I thought I would jinx myself or something. Now I can say that I know more about it then I ever wanted to.
This was never in my "plan" obviously, but my husband always quotes a line from the Van Zant song that says..."If you want to hear God laugh...tell him your plan". I guess this is what was in the cards for me and I will have to deal with it the best I can. Thank God I have such a wonderful husband and family to help me!! I don't know how I could do it without them. My husband and boys all shaved their heads for me as did my brother, 2 of my brother-in-laws, 3 nephews and 4 of our friends. 15 total!!! Well, 16 baldies if you count me!
My pity party is over now... I feel much better!
Here are some of the baldies... we were camping when they all shaved their heads
I thought I better take a picture with the last bit of hair I had left!!
My bald boys
Cute pictures of the boys
2 comments:
I think that is a completely vaild complaint list! I always hated when people told me "what doesn't kill ya, only makes ya stronger"....yeah they didn't tell you that the thing that isn't killing you will make you want to kill yourself in the process!! I do know that you are one brave, strong and admirable lady and will overcome this...very large, ridiculously inconvenient speedbump...with the grace and beauty you carry everyday! I hate that earlier saying, but fell in love these 2:
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. ~Newt Gingrich
Everyone gets tired, no matter what the situation, and you want to know and say that others have probably gone through worse, but right now others don't mater. It hurts YOU right now, makes a difference in YOUR life right now, and makes YOU tired. It is so good to be strong, but sometimes, you have to just fall down a bit, come a little unglued, and rely on the strength of the Lord. Though I love those 2 other sayings, a verse in scripture is what really gives me hope...
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."
Phillipians 4:13
You can do this. Even if you end up on the finish line tore up, ragged, tired, exhausted, and maybe not even on your own 2 feet, but carried by someone else; you will make it to the finish line! Rejoice and glory in your weakness, for that is when we see the Lord's strength and power really unfold. We can't really see Him, when we keep getting in the way! :)
We know you will do this! You have so many people in your corner and the Lord has blessed you a million times over and put you in the perfect situation to overcome this! So tie your knot and hang on for the ride! We are here for you and love you so so much! And can't wait to see what amazing grace the Lord has in store for you!
Candace & Patrick
I understand the word TIRED.....understand the frustration that comes with facing the "C" word.....totally understand those DOWN days. You are a class act and for some damn reason we can never plan our life. Keep positive...keep laughing and we will make it through this.
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